My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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