Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
