The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
a search helicopter?!
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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