I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
