just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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