i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I lost the right to judge tonight
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
