I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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