I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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