ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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