John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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