I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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