it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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