my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
