It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
