My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Randomize
