I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
