He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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