So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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