i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
