Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
