I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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