Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize