god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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