My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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