So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
