I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
