omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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