I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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