Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
