Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
We need a shit load of segways right now
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
