The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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