Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Floor bacon is actually really good
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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