I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
