im about as happy as oj after his trial
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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