I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
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