Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
