It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
