i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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