I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
