i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
