i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
BRING THE BAGELS
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
