What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Randomize