watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
