Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
