Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I got inside last night via doggy door
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
