She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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