I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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