why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
