I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
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