I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
