she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
