New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
