On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
