the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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