i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
she looked like the before picture.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
