I don't usually arrange sex via text message
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
