Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
