Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
