if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
you traded sex for a burrito?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
