I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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