This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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